I HAVE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR FACE.....BOOK

Hello folks! Tonight I am coming to y'all from the glorious Malad Valley. I came on a quick trip to relax and focus on my writing endeavors. I had the awesome opportunity of talking with my dear Aunt Lois. (of course!) Aunt Lois and I go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY back. She was my 2nd grade teacher, and, dare I say:HER FAVORITE AND BEST STUDENT SHE EVER HAD. Humility must have not been a subject.

As I was chatting with her tonight she asked how my career and life was going, and then lit up like the christmas tree on Rockafeller Plaza. "I have a joke! I even made ir up!!" She said. I held my breath and was prepared the fake laugh, but, I didn't have to use it! Aunt Lois made a funny! AND she said that I had permission to use it!!

So here goes..... ahem......

"You know the older generation is ruining facebook. I think I will start my own social network and call it face-lift book!" -- Aunt Lois Willie copywrite LBW 2009 used by permission

I laughed so hard, and was so proud of her!! She needs to get Joan Rivers on the phone to be a spokeswoman! Way to be funny Aunt Lois!!

Here are Aunt Lois and Uncle Randy... Those Hippies............

SMILE!

Alright folks, I have a mission for all of my trusty readers out there. Every weekend I want to have you send in pics of what you are doing and I will post them on the show blog. I will give you a theme or something crazy to do, and I will post them. Who knows, you may become the "pic of the moment" and stay in the sidebar all week! (exciting, I know....)

So this week's theme is "Pink." (my sister Allison is gonna love this one) Everyone go outside or inside or whatever your thing is, but take a pic dressed in pink or being pink or whatever. Be creative! Email them to me and I post them!

chasebeechershow@gmail.com

This will be fun!!

A ROSE IS STILL A......ROSEANNE????

A few years ago I was watching Jay Leno, and his guest was Roseanne Bar. She was promoting a new kid's dvd, that she made, produced, and starred in, herself. I thought this would be the funniest thing in the world! I took note of the name of the dvd and wanted to buy it. Roseanne singing and talking with sock puppets for children?? a laugh riot!!

So, I bought this dvd. I invited some of the nieces over and thought I would have a good laugh watching this catastrophe, and hoping that my nieces would not be scarred for life....

It came around to bite me in the rear. AND it hurt. bad. It was easy to make fun of, but ,they loved it!! They learned all the songs, and always want to watch it. It is on constant rotation.I cannot believe it. Their favorite is one about a doughnut farm. It is two minutes of her dressed as a cowgirl eating doughnuts. (Doesn't that sound like one of Tom Arnold's dreams come true?) I can't believe it, they love it!

The jokes on me. Thanks Roseanne.......

URSULA MINOR, URSULA MAJOR

I get out of my car the other night at work, and check myself in the mirror before I go in. I realize I should fix my hair. When I go into work I go and spike it up a little, and I think I am all good to go. I greet a few guests, and catch one lady checking out my hair. I said, "Yeah it's in one of those faux-hawk things, but I probably look like Ursula the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid." She burst out laughing, "I didn't think of that, but now that you mention it......" She laughed until she left an hour later. I guess it's time for a haircut.......

GO BOOM!!!

Today in Promentory Point, UT ATK was to test a new rocket to use for a new space shuttle. 20 seconds from blast off, they canceled it, saddening many who came to watch. (who would go to watch that?) I guess national media was there and everything. This was a big deal. Kind of embarrassing. Didn't they make a pill for this sort of thing.......

PUPPY LOVE

My dog Sam loves to watch TV. We are watching Conan before we go to bed. At the end of the monologue, Conan ushered in "puppies dressed as cats." They were little lab puppies in little kitty costumes! She was really really really confused. She looked at the TV and turned her head from side to side and then looked at me, with the look, "what the heck is that thing?" She then noticed I was eating pizza and moved on to begging. I love my Sammy....

POP CULTURE COMMENTARY

Ok, Folk, this will be a thing I will try to do at least once or twice a week. Hopefully I can give you a little bit of insight of the insanity I see in the world. Or at the very least make you laugh....

• Melanie Griffith to enter rehab for the third time. The third time? What trip do they tell you that you actually have a problem? You know what they say about rehab, third times a charm, or at least a really good enema.....

• President Obama takes his family on vacation. Most of americans can't afford a vacation, but that's not the story here. First Lady, Michelle Obama, wears shorts and the country flips out. When was the last time we saw a First Lady in shorts? Can you picture Barbara Bush in short-shorts??? Maybe football pants. Didn't she play linebacker in college?

• Reality show mom Kate Gosselin did ask the media for privacy during her divorce. This was minutes before she started doing every talk show known to man. She was on Larry King last night. I personally think her hair looks like butterscotch pudding.

• Bob Dylan is reportedly in talks to record his voice for a GPS navigation system. He would be following in the footsteps of actress Kim Catrall and actor John Cleese. This makes me think what other celebs should also get to do this: Jerry Lewis ("HEY LADY! turn left...") or, James Earl Jones ("use the force. take exit 39 now.") or, even get Yoda! ("Turn right on Bannock Street, you should have...") ok, maybe not Yoda.

And that Folks, is my commentary for today, Aug 26, 2009

HERE COMES THE JUDGE....

A few weeks ago I was pulled over a few blocks from my house. I was reminded that my car license had been expired since April. It had just simply slipped my mind. I got a citation and on I went. Well, this little "note" said that I needed to be at our city courthouse on monday the 24. Ok. I will just go in, show them I got the car licensed, pay the fine, and move on. I rolled out of bed, got dressed threw on a hat and out the door I went. I don't have to look pretty to pay a fine.

I get to the courthouse, and I have to wait in line to SEE THE JUDGE. gulp. I was in shock. gulp. My first thought was, "I look like a homeless man! I haven't even brushed my teeth! I haven't shaved! I look like the wolfman!"

The man that went before the judge before me was a rather large Tongan fellow and the judge sent him TO JAIL! I was sweating bullets. My bullets were sweating bullets! Here I was in a dressed in a t shirt and bermuda shorts and flip flops, while everyone else is in a suit and tie! I WAS JUST GOING TO PAY THE FINE!!! I just thought for sure he was going to put me in the clink. The big house. The joint. Who cares if I got my car licensed? I knew I had lived a good life, and now I was going away for the rest of it! My insides were sobbing. I should have gave Sam, my trusted dog, one last kiss and hug goodbye. I am sure she will write me from my cell.

My name was called. I walked to the plaintiff's mic. He asked me if how I plead. He asked me if I understood my rights. He asked me to remove my hat. I felt like gum on the bottom of society's shoe. My voice was even cracking. I had flashbacks of watching "The People's Court" so I remembered to call him "Your Honor" and to curtsy. I plead no contest. I held out my wrists and shut my eyes and waited to be carried off. Orange is a good color. I could wear a jumpsuit.

He asked to see the registration asked me to pay the fine, and then I was dismissed.

Freedom! Sweet Freedom! I kissed the pavement! I kissed a mailbox! I kissed an old woman! I was just so happy to be free and live in a free country! I am so thankful for my new leash on life!

I will be a good citizen from now on, now that I have had my brush with prison!!!

TASTES JUST LIKE CHICKEN

I guess over the weekend a hacker got into the SEARS website and messed with their grill department. The hacker made the info for the grills include instructions for cannibalism, and how to cannibalize something (or someone) with the grill! They even posted recipes! This put the SEARS website down for most of sunday night and all of monday. Everything is up and running now, and I missed it.

I would have loved to have seen what some of the grills were, like.....

• The George Foreman Hand Grill! Finally, cook a hand nice and even! No more crusty, crunchy, burnt pinkies!!!
• The Flamethrower S1000! Beautifully prepares Roast Suckling Neighbor! The meat is so tender it falls right off the bone! Before you know it, the whole neighborhood will be over!!
• The Smokehouse All in One Grill! Cooks folks whole! Just add what (or who) you want as your main dish, and cook the side dishes as well! Try our recipe for Postman al a King with a side of Tabby Cat and Toast!!! The best part--No Mess Cleanup!!!!

What a bunch of sickos......

DEATH-DEFYING! (at wal-mart)

Alright folks, I just about died. Literally, like 20 or so minutes ago I almost bit the dust. I have decided to let you folks on the blog hear my tragic story.

I went to go get key lime pie ice cream from the wal-mart on the corner (who doesn't have a wal-mart on their corner? well, maybe Malad...) and I could have never came back. I went in the door clearly marked ENTRANCE. It was there that I almost met my fate. I looked down as I noticed something on my shoe, looked up, and had to jump out of the way! "Susie the Soccer Mom" (say that with a lisp, it's funnier.....) had a cart full and was almost on a dead run out the door (marked ENTRANCE, not EXIT, maybe she couldn't read the very large letters.)!!

People who steal things do not even go as fast as she did, and with her full cart! If she was going any faster she would have time traveled!!! She didn't even see me. DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME! ME! I was even wearing my pink polo! (hey, I'm comfortable) How do you not see an 8 ft tall kid wearing a pink shirt!? Imagine if I hadn't of looked up! She would have hit me and knocked me to the ground, and it would have ended up on the news. " Coming up at 10, child in pink shirt maimed by soccer mom. More as this story develops....."

This got me thinking. Grocery stores need a few changes.

• They need horns for their carts. Bicycle horns for when you get cut off in an aisle. Air horns when you get cut in front of in the check out line.
• Stop lights at the corner of each aisle. This way I don't almost side-swipe some poor old lady while she is walking to buy paper towels.
• I also think that there should be a side car for children and big kids. This is just for fun. Wouldn't this be fun!?
• In the checkout lines, there should be a grocery counter in the 20 items or less line. It always ticks me off if you are before me with 21 items!
• The doors should also always be marked ENTRANCE and EXIT very clearly with as many lights as a vegas resort. We don't want another travesty like today's on our hands.
• They should also consider using referees. They blow the whistle and call a fowl on any unnecessary roughness! "Sir you are bruising that peach! Put it down and walk away! 10 yard penalty!"

"Susie the Soccer Mom" would have definitely got a call today. I am sure she is in her mini-van somewhere without a clue that she almost killed a child (me) today!!! Poor lady.

CAUGHT RED-HANDED (what color are their hands now?)

Two weeks ago was my little sister's wedding. Before the family all went their own ways, my brother Trent and his wife Sarah announced that they would be adding another member to the family!! A new baby! Maybe twins, who knows?!?!? Everyone is excited. Congrats to them. Trent and Sarah, if you are reading, congrats, and job well done!!

After things settled down, I started to remember. I have a video that would explain how Trent and Sarah achieved this. Don't ask me how we get babies, I just know they show up! I then filed through my camera and found evidence that took place at our little sister's wedding luncheon. WATCH.......

and there you have it, folks, caught red-handed!

COME ON AND PULL MY STRING (I'm your puppet)

As many of you know, or will come to find out, I love the Muppets. I love puppetry. I think it is an awesome art form. When I was younger, I built my own puppets and put on shows for the public library during the summer. I would do fairy tales or make it up as I went along. (That is usually when things would fall apart...)

Today's bit of funny is one of these experiences.

I think I was maybe in 6th grade. It was the summer around July 4th. I decided to have a puppet show that was like a parade and throw candy and streamers and all sorts. It really had no point what so ever. I had some other kids my age help me and we all thought this would be a ball, and the children at the library would love it. That was before they turned on us.

We had the puppets up, and making like they were building a float of some sort. I think it just looked like one giant Hefty bag. I knocked it with a hammer "building" and knocked the whole thing down that we were behind. WOOPS! The kids saw us and everything that goes on behind a puppet show. It scared some. I know this, because some started yelling for their mothers. Someone quickly grabbed it and stood it back up, and away we went. We threw the candy. The puppets themselves couldn't do this so a random human hand would pop up and throw things. I am sure it looked weird. This is the moment we lost control. Those little kids went nuts! Diving and dodging and pushing and pulling, yelling and screaming--a riot had broke out! I swear they were climbing the walls and on the ceiling, even! The sweet librarians tried to get them to calm down, but it was just over. The running of the bulls was calmer and less dangerous than what had just broke out!!

Following this we started to throw streams of crape paper out into the riots and told them it was fireworks. What a stupid thing. It looked like we were toilet papering a massacre!! We even had to have the puppets ask them to calm down and throw the reams of crape paper back. 50 kids turned and laughed at us. They had taken over the library! Parents couldn't get ahold of them, the librarians couldn't grab them and keep them in the big room the puppet show was in. Chaos everywhere! Finally we just ended it and grabbed cattle prods and rounded them up. Ok, maybe not cattle prods, but almost! I don't even think we could have hosed them down.

An hour later the children had left and the room was in shambles. Paper everywhere. Candy everywhere. Some half-eaten, some out of wrappers and melted to the carpet. The librarians looked at me and said something like "hmmm..... this one, not so good." We cleaned up, helped rebuild some of the torn down library, and went home. This was a turning point in my career. I had become afraid of groups of children. I had also become afraid of librarians. When they say, "be quiet in the library," they really really mean it!!

THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS.....

Hello ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to The Chase Beecher Show! This is my first post on my first day on this blog. I have been getting this thing together for months. Does it show? Do you like the set? (What set?)

Since it is my first day, today is all about firsts. I could tell you about my first pair of shoes (my feet were so big, even then, they had to be specially made.) I could tell you about my first kiss. (She missed and kissed my chin, getting a mouth full of goatee.) But I want to tell you about my first passage into manhood. My first shave....

I remember when I was 13 years old. I had a teensy bit of peach fuzz on my face and I thought that it was time for me to become a man. My father is one of these rough and tough cowboy types that has always had a beard. Anytime he has shaved he does it with just warm water and a blade. I have come to find out this hurts. I think he shaved like this just to make himself look tough.

So, I go in our bathroom, shut the door and get the hot water running. I grab a new razor blade out of the cupboard. Butterflies are fluttering in my tummy. Today I cross the bridge from child to man. Wait. Stop. I am not going to do this without shaving cream! I looked high and low. The next best thing was a tube of "Victoria's Secret Sweet Pea English Tea Party Sissy Foo-Foo Girlie Girl" lotion. It will work. So I did it. I applied it all over my face, up to my eybrows. I butchered my face with the blade, and rinsed and then ran out to show my mother.

Now, my mother was a tender loving soul. Unless, you crossed her. I told her that I shaved, and her eyes welled up with tears! "You DID WHAT?!?!" "WITH WHAT?!?!" I tried to explain it was a good thing. She was so mad. She was mad and overdramatic, like a daytime soap actress! She kept repeating "You will regret this for the rest of your life! You will have to shave everyday now! It will just keep growing! I have lost my baby! My baby! " At this point she was almost sobbing. Sobbing, folks. I think she even wanted to keep the peach fuzz to preserve what was left of her "little baby." I was flabbergasted. How could this not be a good thing? Well, I learned. The next day I woke up with 5'o clock shadow and now look like the Wolfman if I miss a day. One time I went for a month without a shave and walked down the street, and someone even gave me money! They told me they felt sorry and to go get a hot meal, whatever that meant.

That was my first shave. It was also the first time I learned ask mom first.

OFFICIALLY KICKING OFF WED. AUG 19TH!!