I HAVE NEVER HURT AN ONION, SO WHY DO THEY MAKE ME CRY?

Scientists have discovered a major breakthrough. I am sure several millions of dollars have been spent at the expense of the tax paying public. This is major. I may be one of the first to break this story: scientists have discovered that vegetables have feelings. Actual, real feelings. They have ways of communicating, and even crying for help. This is real. So, this real study has posed some real questions.

Does this make rabbits and insects some sort of heartless, extreme, radical terrorist group?

Is our annual summer picnics now screaming bloody massacres?


In the history of things does this study rectify Mr. and Mrs. McGregor as some sort of "Homeland Security" for protecting their garden from Peter Cottontail? I think so. 


This will change the way I look at vegetables and food forever. A salad is murder, I don't care how much ranch dressing and croutons you have on it. 


I now look at a potato as obese friends with eyes that see everything. Lots and lots of eyes. Eyes everywhere. 


An onion must need a lot of therapy. I mean, a lot of couch time. The onion has a lot of layers. 


Now, I can't help but feel dirty as I nibble on an ear of corn. 


This is not all bad, though. I feel like a goodwill ambassador. How many times have I sat down and ate my vegetables? I have no idea. I was always getting in trouble for not eating them. I still get into trouble for not eating them, but not anymore. I say to you, tax paying citizens, open your doors and set them free! Open the fridge door, let the sun shine on the broccoli and let them feel sweet freedom! Rip open your freezer door, tear open the bag of peas and encourage them to be free and express their individual rights! 


This study has changed a lot of things. Can you believe it? I mean this is all-important! I am glad to report this information, and don't think that scientists should be doing studies on anything else that may be a little more important like---- well, you know.  

SILVER.....BELLS??

It is almost time for christmas! Here is a little Christmas cheer, This is a picture just to show off my velvet jacket....   What?

















Here is some more Christmas cheer. I still am shocked I got my father, Mike Beecher, to wear all that garland, and pose for pics! This one looks like I got in trouble. I recognize that look, I have got it most of my life.....

2009....WHAT WAS THE BEST AND WORST?

Every year at this time, every magazine in the world puts out a best and worst list. I thought I would jump on this bandwagon. Why not? If everybody else jumps off a bridge....
What was the best moment of 2009? Was it President Obama taking office, and Aretha Franklin wearing a hat that could have been seen from Neptune as she sang?? (It is going to the Smithsonian, by the way.) 
Was it reading Sarah Palin's book, "Going Rouge"?  (It will probably take you longer to read it than it took her to write it....) 
Was it the Muppets singing a Queen classic? (That rocked the world!)
I will say no. For me, it was Susan Boyle. That doughty, drab, middle-aged woman, who came out to sing on some british TV show and blew the whole world away. Her story is like no one else's. I do think that they ruined her look by taking away the "Bert from Sesame Street" eyebrows, the sexy I just rolled out of a gutter hair, and they made her dress in, well, a dress. They really brought her down by dressing her up. I guess that is the price of fame...


Now it is your turn. I want to hear what you think is the worst of 2009. I will post the best answers. I think Jon and Kate + hate = humiliation was a low point. Let me know what you think!!

SAM, AMERICA'S FAVORITE DOG, LOVES HER DAD.....MAYBE....

Pure proof that my dog is smarter than I am. Well, sometimes a stop-sign is smarter than I am. Watch my little horse of a dog, Sam, show her love for her dad. Boy, does she have me wrapped around her little paw! Look at that face!

RINGING OF THE BELLS

Heigh-Ho, folks! What a wonderful week! Christmas is coming and it is a complete blizzard outside where I live! I want to go outside and make a snow angel, but I don't think that our yard is big enough. I need an open field for that sort of thing. 
As an early Christmas gift, the folks over at Muppet Studios have given us another glorious Muppet YouTube video for us to feast upon. It stars those fantastic Muppet linguistics, The Sweedish Chef, Beaker, and one of my favorites, Animal, "singing" "Carol of the Bells." Folks, you have NEVER seen or heard anything like this! Meep, Meep, Meep, Meep, Meep Meep........



Once again, I do not own The Muppets, they belong to The Muppet Studios which is owned by the Walt Disney Company. 


Happy Holidays, and Happy Chanukah to all of our Jewish friends out there! 

THERE'S NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS

I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for coming out to my little horse and pony shows this past weekend. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did putting them on. It was a joy! I want to thank all those who helped me put it together, and all those who didn't ask for their money back! Just a friendly reminder, my comedy album is still ready for pre-order for 12$ and that includes shipping by Dec. 15. Email me for details! Wocka Wocka!

TAKE A LITTLE TIME TO ENJOY THE VIEW.....

Don Buehler is like my father. He pretty much adopted me when I was in high school hanging around their house with their kids, and now he can't get rid of me. The other day I was at home and I conned him into watching "The View" for the first time. I like that show, as they always discuss the hot topics of the day and you always get something to think about. Plus, I need my estrogen fix. I captured his first time watching Whoopi and the girls for your entertainment.....



I bet he tuned in today and watched, and didn't tell anyone....

I HAVE HIT THE BIG TIME....

This is the big weekend for my big comedy shows in the big city of Malad, ID! Naturally, there is a big article in the Idaho Enterprise. You gotta share the joy of my first big write up with me.....



Now when I mean "roll in the hay" I mean, when I fall off my horse I end up rolling in the hay.
ahem......

GRANDMA NEAL IS STILL NOT HAPPY

Let's catch up with everyone's favorite redhead, Grandma Neal! 



At least she didn't tell me to go home this time! But, she better not get any callers, and channel 11 had better get rid of that 
antique show!!

WHERE THE WILD KEYS ARE

I was in Malad, ID a few weeks ago and attended church. When said church was over, I lost my keys. I searched high and low. I tore the chapel apart! I blamed the 2 year old girl sitting next to me, "She took them! I know she did!" I even pulled a cop out of sunday school to slim jim my car open and look for them in there. My alarm went off when this happened, so then we had to unplug my car's battery. Luckily all of this madness and stupidity was caught on my flipcam for you enjoyment......

and I was blaming that poor little girl the whole time.....

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S THE MUPPETS!!

This video has been blowing up the interweb in the past week, so I had to put it on my blog. The Muppets do a stellar cover of Queen. Even if you are a casual Muppet fan, you will get a kick out of this. If you are a pathetic everloving Muppet fan, like me, you can see many of the older characters have been re-built and used. We have been promised upcoming covers of, "Dust in the Wind," "Popcorn" and "Carol of the Bells."  Go ahead and take a look at "Bohemian Rhapsody" as you have never seen it before.....



I don't own the Muppet's (yet) they belong to the Muppet Studios 
and this song 
belongs to the folks that own it.

OPENING NIGHT

Alright kids, tonight and tomorrow night I am doing my stand-up/variety show in Malad, ID at 7pm. call 766-4705, or Cecilia Hess at 766-5558 to reserve your seats for 5$ or it is 7$ at the Door! You DON'T want to miss these shows!!!!! Also I will be pre-selling my studio comedy album for 12$. That baby is gold! haha! Please come!!

TICKETS ARE ON SALE!

That's right kids! Tickets go on sale today for my stand up/variety shows in Malad, ID at the Iron Door Playhouse December 4th and 5th. Call the Theatre to reserve your seats at (208) 766-4705 or (208) 766-2517 or email me. Word on the street is that they will sell out quick. Oy! That means I better get back to writing jokes! I can't guarantee the same show twice!! 

OPRAH, OH OPRAH, WHERE FOR ART THOU MY OPRAH!

Tis' a sad weekend for middle-aged white ladies across the country and abroad. Miss Oprah Winfrey has announced the end of her show in September 2011. She will go on to bigger and better things, but that leads me to anxiously question....
what books are we going to read? 
What are we going to watch everyday at 4 in the afternoon? 
What am I going to get my loved ones for christmas, if I don't have her favorite things show to tell me what to go get!!
What movies will I watch? Without her show promoting oscar contenders I don't know which movies and casts are "heartwarming," or "uplifting" or if they will "change my outlook on life"!!!
Will I ever have an "Aha!" moment again??
But She is leaving us with a few things to keep us in check........
I would have totally forgot about Mackenzie Phillips, not to mention her "relationship" with her father! 
She taught us how to cook with Rachel Ray. 
We learned crazy from Dr. Phil. 
We learned: My Uterus/Myself from Dr. Oz
What else did she give us??? 
Oh yeah, She even gave us Preseident Obama. 

BEHIND THE CURTAIN

Ok, kids, so today I am posting a teeny-tiny little video of myself recording some of the schtick that is to be on my upcoming album....."I am More Than My Feet." I think this the first of many takes we did on this joke. please tell me it is funny..........
And there you have it!

GRANDMA NEAL IS NOT HAPPY

I was visiting with my sweet Grandmother Neal and Aunt Sharon on Monday night and all things were going well, until I started asking them about their day. That is when I whipped out the flip cam, and caught grandma's rampage. As you watch the film below, know that she has no idea she is being filmed! What a good sport! There will for sure be a follow up on her search for PERRY MASON......

THE ALBUM IS DONE!

Hey there folks, so just a quick update, I spent last tuesday night in the studio finishing up my shtick for my comedy album titled, "I am more than my feet."It should be ready for purchase thru this website, itunes, or the trunk of my car on Dec 1. I will post some video tomorrow of me clowning around in the studio, and such, tomorrow.

AN OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE

So, I have a close friend named Alicia. She is the "White Queen Latifah,"and we have been besties before You Tube, The First Computer, The Berlin Wall, Peal Harbor, The Motor Car was Invented, Moses wandered in the wilderness, and before a guy Adam met....well, you get the point, we have been friends for a long time. Well, we have family who kindly pushes or prods and maybe gossips that we should date and get married, so here is our response.....

Sorry I said "Suck It!" I know better than that. I was just caught up in the heat of the moment.....

A SERIOUS NOTE

In the spring, my Grandfather passed. He was about as close to perfect as a human being as you can become. I learned from him every time we spoke. He was a veteran of WWII and what would have been his 91st birthday is coming up on sunday. He looked and acted 20 years younger. I miss and think and am inspired by him everyday. He was a true hero in the smallest and biggest of ways. I am posting this to celebrate him, and to share some of the joy and wit that he had about him. He may have passed that on to one of his grandsons. Maybe. This was taken the first time I showed them my new car. I put my shades on him and this is how they posed. They are the ultimate in cool.......

MARY CHRISTMAS

So, I was at work the other night, taking names on the waiting list, and I had a very pleasant lady give me her name, which was "Merry." I asked her where her little lamb was, and she laughed and told me that she was born on Christmas day and it was spelled as in "Merry Christmas" and even had the middle name of "Chris." I called B.S. and asked to see some ID, skeptical. Sure enough! I have never of anyone having that!!!  I almost died. How funny! What if she was born on Easter, of Thanksgiving, or Leap Year? She was so nice and I think appreciated the good laugh that I got out of her name. If you are reading this, Merry, I would love to do an interview with you. It would be fun and silly. Contact me thru email or such. This story should put a little "Joy" in ya'll's hearts today.....