I HAVE NEVER HURT AN ONION, SO WHY DO THEY MAKE ME CRY?

Scientists have discovered a major breakthrough. I am sure several millions of dollars have been spent at the expense of the tax paying public. This is major. I may be one of the first to break this story: scientists have discovered that vegetables have feelings. Actual, real feelings. They have ways of communicating, and even crying for help. This is real. So, this real study has posed some real questions.

Does this make rabbits and insects some sort of heartless, extreme, radical terrorist group?

Is our annual summer picnics now screaming bloody massacres?


In the history of things does this study rectify Mr. and Mrs. McGregor as some sort of "Homeland Security" for protecting their garden from Peter Cottontail? I think so. 


This will change the way I look at vegetables and food forever. A salad is murder, I don't care how much ranch dressing and croutons you have on it. 


I now look at a potato as obese friends with eyes that see everything. Lots and lots of eyes. Eyes everywhere. 


An onion must need a lot of therapy. I mean, a lot of couch time. The onion has a lot of layers. 


Now, I can't help but feel dirty as I nibble on an ear of corn. 


This is not all bad, though. I feel like a goodwill ambassador. How many times have I sat down and ate my vegetables? I have no idea. I was always getting in trouble for not eating them. I still get into trouble for not eating them, but not anymore. I say to you, tax paying citizens, open your doors and set them free! Open the fridge door, let the sun shine on the broccoli and let them feel sweet freedom! Rip open your freezer door, tear open the bag of peas and encourage them to be free and express their individual rights! 


This study has changed a lot of things. Can you believe it? I mean this is all-important! I am glad to report this information, and don't think that scientists should be doing studies on anything else that may be a little more important like---- well, you know.